i love my brit accent. hahaha. wala lang. first day of expedia sales. new life. ill be writing more soon, hopefully.

He’s the one you call when you’re bored because he makes you laugh… He’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because he’s always willing to lend his ears and be a friend… He’s the one you ask favors every time you need something because you know that he’s ready to do everything for you…

He’s not the one you call when you need a date to go out on a Saturday night… He’s not the one you talk to when you have nothing to do because you know that you have other guys other than him… He’s the one you spend time with when you’re single but turns your head away when you find “the one”… It’s more like the one you keep around in the meantime…

He’s not your barkada, not gay, but you don’t look at him as a “real man” either. He’s not cute enough, not sporty enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. He’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your other friends are amused by. He’s too understanding… too comfortable… he doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real man” does. But he’s cool, and funny, and well-off, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely, he’ll just do fine…

You don’t have to wine and dine him because he already knows the real you, and you don’t have anything else to hide, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get something of substance out of him. He does not fall easily, but you know that he cares about you, and is attracted to you, and that he’ll give you the attention you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation… that he’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for him. It won’t bother him that you’ll get up in the morning, be together during the day, say goodbye, and go on a date with the man you’ve been talking about for weeks. He’ll settle for a smile and a text and maybe you telling him how the date went.

He’s just so cool… so why can’t all guys be like that?! But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although he would never say it, it hurts him to know that despite all his good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think he’s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly his fault, because he doesn’t have to give in to your needs --- he could play the hard-to-get-jerk like the rest of them do, if he really wanted to. But both of you know that he probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe he’s too dark, or a little overweight, or not sporty enough, or acts differently, or just really not that type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given him a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that girls want (or think they want) in a guy.

So he remains forever the funny friend… the steadfast companion… the secret lover… and you go on searching for your “the one” who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a man. He doesn’t captivate you with his intellect or open doors with his smile. Mainly he blends in with the crowd. He’s safe. He doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But he wants to turn someone’s head. He wants to be special to someone too. We all do. He has feelings. He has a heart. In fact, he probably has a bigger and better heart than any guy you’ve ever known because he’s had a front row seat to "The Mess That Is Your Life", and he likes you anyway. He obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given him nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, he is…

Feeling: lonely

here's my latest ANGST song. 

In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth by Coheed and Cambria

A broad incision sits across the evening
The victim to our fathers lost war
The restless children sit and mourn the graves
Of those they've never seen before
Will they be buried here among the dead?
In the silent secret

[Chorus:]
The pioneers
In dealing with it they march for dawn, of Will and worthy
The truth be told the child was born
Man your own jackhammer
Man your battle stations
We'll have you dead pretty soon
And now
Sincerely written from my brother's blood machine
Man your battle stations
We'll have you home pretty soon
And now

Awake through motion with curiosity to curtain your first move
Over arms length they'll break protocol
Jealous envy for the youngest one
To be the hero is all I'll ask
Can I be buried here among the dead?
With room to honor me here in the end
You'll be better off too soon
You'll be better off when you get home

[Chorus]

For you,
I'd do anything just to make you happy, hear you tell me that you’re proud of me
For them, I'll kill anything cut the throats of babies for them break their hearts for they were them
Waiting for you to say: I love you too

The navigator
The pilot
Her favorite
The one they call the vision that bears the gift
[x2]

Will,
Do the children really understand the things you did to them?
And why oh why…
Should they conjure up the will for you my love I would kill him
We're coming home pretty soon
Coming home

In the seventh turning hour
Will the victims shadow fall?
Should the irony grow hungry?
With the victory and all they sought for
We were one among the fence
One among the fence

[Guitar riffs and vocalizing]

We're coming home

Man your own jackhammer
Man your battle stations
We'll have you dead pretty soon
And now
Sincerely written from my brother's blood machine
Man your battle stations
We'll have you home pretty soon
tonight.

 here's the youtube link - http://youtube.com/watch?v=OxowWo_XV_c

Listening to: Lately - Stevie Wonder! XD

And so he chose this torment. From the very beginning, he already knew the misery.

But still he plowed ahead. He wasnt sure of what he was getting into, but he still went with the flow. Stupefied at the moment, staring into non-existence.

The succulent pain. It surged thru his veins everytime he thought of her. It was like a thousand needles plunging into his skin, his heartbeat dancing with the rhythm of the undead. Sleepless, he was. Tired. Shattered.

And so it was, just like they said it would be.

 

~tulog muna, to be cont'd ulet. zzzz.

Feeling: sleepy

2:47AM. i struggle against the darkness enveloping me once again. i force my eyes apart, trying to regain conciousness as the sandman tried to take hold of me once again. im late once again for work. i've long lost my drive, i've long lost my passion. lately the days just pass by.

3:01AM.  ~to be cont'd. (end shift nako.)

I dream.

I dream of a different world. A world where the old Gods meet the new. Where unseen hands caress empty faces. A blissful union...

Where all is understood... The earth will rise to embrace the air... and heaven's fires will kiss the sea... When fragile hearts release their burdens... Vanishing like so much smoke and mist.

Setting stones along future's pathways... and banishing the ghosts of the past.

That is my dream.

Though i dwell in paradise.

I know that i am blessed. Everywhere i look i see beauty.

I hear the ocean serenading the soft white sand. and feel the warm sun cradle its children. The trees beckon with gifts of fragrance, fruit and shelter. Small birds celebrete in their bough. taking to the sky only to dance and sing of their good fortune.

Even with wings they do not stray far from eden.

A beautiful prison.

If one were alone.

But again I am Blessed.

I spend my days in the bosom of laughter and love.

Now they seem strained, distant.

I have never known fear in this place.

But something is lurking.
It gnaws, snarls and and gnashing its teeth.  Fighting to be free.

I tremble as darkness closes around me.

Huddled in the darkness -  tattered pages and ancient words my only escape.

They speak of old things.

Righteousness. Revenge. Punishment. The comforts of faith.

Yet there is little comfort here.
Wallowing in filth and decay,  a self imposed exile.

The sand holds memories.

A home for the fallen. A bed for the condemned.

Spirits sleep here. And they do not forget.

The spectre is real, as are my sins.

I am to be punished. My chest heaves and i am taken in fear's grip.

And my faith abandons me.

Feeling: stressed

just found out that she's a cancer.  im not a firm believer of astrology but this made me raise an eyebrow.

== 

You are sensitive and caring by nature, although you present a tough exterior to the world. You soon learn ways to protect your feelings, which run very deep and tender. As a lover you seek security and fidelity, and, although you are not above a few flirtatious peccadillos of your own, you can be deeply wounded if the one you care for betrays your trust (which is never given lightly).

==

 why am i not surprised?

i am, today, perplexed. 

actually im not quite sure about what im feeling right now, except for the intermittent sneezes and a sporadically runny nose.

lately ive been thinking of her more than usual. im quite glad that we've reached this certain point of friendship, we're suddenly alot closer now.

before i didnt care nor give a damn if she already has a significant other. as long as im with her, we're jubilant and intoxicated with our own laughs, i was okay.  my padmates keep telling me that im stupid, martyr and all that. all of that never mattered. at least not before.

now i think im scared.. i find it hard getting through the day if i dont get to see her..  the thought of losing her now frightens me..

tonight she's staying at our pad.. told me she's gonna sleep for just a few hours, waiting for her shift at 3am, while im at the office.

im confused. =(

Listening to: EBTG
Watching: my phone, waiting for her beep
Feeling: worried

first day as a customer service agent. here i am, staring at the monitor, waiting for my next call. its been 45 minutes since my last one, and now im starting to wonder if the supes've been routing them vdns properly.

i glanced at the cigarette burn on my hand again. memories of the previous night's drinking session rush into me, and once more i was in a state of nostalgia.

i can still feel her warm tears on my neck; her resonant sobs of contrition coming from deep within her body; the thud of her heart as it beat against mine; and as i hug her tightly, i felt tears on my own eyes as it slowly trickled against my cheeks. as she was recalling a painful childhood memory, i was at war with myself : i never expected her sorrow to be this deep. here was the person who for almost 4 months never shared anything but superficial things to me, we laughed endlessly, made fun of people. now a couple of scars on her pulse and a crushed heart were the only things that can attest to this anguish she has.

again i looked deep into her eyes, and as her tears started to flow anew immediately i took her into my arms once more and hugged her as tight as i could, taking into myself all the sorrow, letting my own heart absorb the anguish of hers.

so this was the face behind that mask that for so long i've wanted to take off. this was the being behind those high walls that i've desired to climb. this was the real person behind that amiable facade.

finally she wiped the tears off her eyes, half-joking that this was something not even her best friend knows about. there came again that cheerful person, asking for another gulp of beer. i smiled and silently handed her the dripping glass, her face once more an indistinct eulogy to what real charm was.

so as i pulled up the sheets over her so she can sleep soundly i gently kissed her cheek and whispered "i'll wake you up at 6 ha, papasok ka pa". i stared at her for a moment, that angelic face, seemingly devoid of anguish that she held deep inside and i silently vowed that i'll try my best to be always there for her; to protect her; i'll always be her friend, confidante, and inamorato.

Listening to: melt with you
Watching: smallville season 2
Feeling: working