another day (or evening rather) at cs training. sigh. and we were supposed to see each other today but then again, sigh.

around 2pm she texted me a quote, a funny one at that. for the past four months i've been suppressing my desire to send msgs everyday, every hour coz that's how often i think of her. baka makulitan kasi. pathetic, you might say. but that's just it. after all the heartbreaks i've been through, im playing safe now. taking my time. going with the tide.

"ahaha syet! XD anung nangyri sau kgabi? di kana nagrply? wla k tlga silbe ktxt,12 hrs delyd un txt mu! =) ", was my response.

once i again i mask my feelings, my concern, with all the aloofness one could muster. its quite a genuine opportunity when she initiates a text conversation, and again i must put up this façade of cheerfulness so that she might reply.

 "hehe.. sori nmn.. bc s kaguluhan ng buhay e.."

 aha, something to talk about. and so i try to strike up a conversation, resisting the urge to send her multiple messages because of the delays in the replies.

"ay seryoso ba yan? anung nanyari? pasok kana ba memya? =) ", i cheerfully texted.

 again still with the air of indifference, though now mixed with a bit of concern. i dont expect her to open up now and tell me all about it, coz she never does. i automatically assumed that its another one of her ploys to end the conversation quickly, probably because she's too lazy to text again. though its like she's always wearing this mask, this mirage that she's happy. we talk, we laugh, we enjoy each other's company but we only talk and laugh about superficial things. trivial stuff. we never talked about life, or lovelife for that matter, nor we did about personal anguish.

but then again as with the unexpected, i was quite surprised by her reply. it was full of anguish, yes, but it was mixed with sorrow and desire for a nameless entity. twas also tragically mixed with the wish of death. "i wish i never learned how to love". i was suddenly lost, i didnt know what to say. i tried to say words of comfort, but the words gurgled in my mouth and dissipated, turning into non-sensical stupidity.

she stopped replying after that, leaving me once again hanging.  

=============

when we met this evening, she was again 2 hours late. but it was okay. we smoked. talked about superficial things again. twas like nothing happened, or was happening. she was back to her same old self, or rather she was again wearing the same old mask she's been wearing eversince we met, almost four months ago. but it was okay.

i told myself that one day im gonna take off that mask. bring her out of that mirage. it may take me a long, long time but i hope i have the patience.

i just want to meet the real "her".

Listening to: betterman by pearl jam
Reading: five people you meet in heaven
Feeling: optimistic

"How can we love people who dont seem to make things we do worth em at all? why do we become numb caring for people whom at times dont even think of us in a day or even two? why do we let ourselves be hurt and continue hoping for a love that makes us defenseless? and why do we prioritize these people who only choose as us options? are these the reasons why sometimes in love, we end up losing ourselves?" -her

i've been asking myself the same questions ever since ive gotten to somehow know you. but you know what, im already numb to all of this. i've probably already lost myself. but then again, i probably havent. 

 --

its weird, this is the very first time she sent me a message like this. hmm.

Feeling: sympathetic

had a good long sleep today, but it was riddled with dreams and i wasnt able to sleep soundly. i felt tired when i woke up.

---

twas funny though, my housemate Karl was sleep-talking again. i think he was talking to one of his callers in his dreams. he's Earthlink Cable's top seller, and he's in a tech support account. weird guy.

i wonder how some people can be so engrossed with their careers. somehow i want to be like them, so focused and persevering. and here i am, staying in peoplesupport just because she's here. i dont even care what account i get transferred to (well it would be quite fun if i was transferred to hers), what schedule i get (as long as i still get to see her at least once or twice a week), not even how much peoplesupport pays me. a few moments, hours of solitude with her, just sitting at the fourth floor lobby laughing, or smoking near jollyjeep. me on early lunchbreak and she on aux-3. she coming to work 4 to 5 hours early for her shift and me coming to work (or rather just going to the office) even on rest days.  its all i ask for.

tragically right know i believe its all i need. different people have different drives.

---

"reality bites: you excitedly send mushy quotes to the one you love only for them send it to the one they really love. then they end up being together. and you? still waiting for the reply." -her

good thing i rarely send her mushy lovey-dovey quotes. 

Listening to: echo-incubus
Feeling: mellow

 "Sometimes letting go is the only way to move forward."

knocked out of my reverie, i hastily pressed on the rewind button. sitting on the futon watching Smallville, i was again thinking of the right words to say, the perfect comforting statement to text her coz she was again in pain. as i pressed on "play" there on the TV screen was Clark and Lana in the old-movie house. 

old hardships are hard to forget. you may never recover, the wounds may never heal. you only get numb to the pain, learning to live with it, trying to exist day after day, like a soulless shell walking around the world. wounds may heal, but there will always be the scar to remind you of what the world did to you.

but then again, misery is only a state of mind. one should let go in order to move on. move forward. live. and probably love again.

i just wish i could convince her to do that. seeing her in so much pain, so much anguish, so much misery, so much depression; its makes me want to simply hug her, cover her with my soul and take her away from this cruel, frantic world.

i just wish i could. and i would, given that God-given chance.

Listening to: Love Song - 311
Feeling: depressed

first day as a customer service agent. here i am, staring at the monitor, waiting for my next call. its been 45 minutes since my last one, and now im starting to wonder if the supes've been routing them vdns properly.

i glanced at the cigarette burn on my hand again. memories of the previous night's drinking session rush into me, and once more i was in a state of nostalgia.

i can still feel her warm tears on my neck; her resonant sobs of contrition coming from deep within her body; the thud of her heart as it beat against mine; and as i hug her tightly, i felt tears on my own eyes as it slowly trickled against my cheeks. as she was recalling a painful childhood memory, i was at war with myself : i never expected her sorrow to be this deep. here was the person who for almost 4 months never shared anything but superficial things to me, we laughed endlessly, made fun of people. now a couple of scars on her pulse and a crushed heart were the only things that can attest to this anguish she has.

again i looked deep into her eyes, and as her tears started to flow anew immediately i took her into my arms once more and hugged her as tight as i could, taking into myself all the sorrow, letting my own heart absorb the anguish of hers.

so this was the face behind that mask that for so long i've wanted to take off. this was the being behind those high walls that i've desired to climb. this was the real person behind that amiable facade.

finally she wiped the tears off her eyes, half-joking that this was something not even her best friend knows about. there came again that cheerful person, asking for another gulp of beer. i smiled and silently handed her the dripping glass, her face once more an indistinct eulogy to what real charm was.

so as i pulled up the sheets over her so she can sleep soundly i gently kissed her cheek and whispered "i'll wake you up at 6 ha, papasok ka pa". i stared at her for a moment, that angelic face, seemingly devoid of anguish that she held deep inside and i silently vowed that i'll try my best to be always there for her; to protect her; i'll always be her friend, confidante, and inamorato.

Listening to: melt with you
Watching: smallville season 2
Feeling: working