i am, today, perplexed. 

actually im not quite sure about what im feeling right now, except for the intermittent sneezes and a sporadically runny nose.

lately ive been thinking of her more than usual. im quite glad that we've reached this certain point of friendship, we're suddenly alot closer now.

before i didnt care nor give a damn if she already has a significant other. as long as im with her, we're jubilant and intoxicated with our own laughs, i was okay.  my padmates keep telling me that im stupid, martyr and all that. all of that never mattered. at least not before.

now i think im scared.. i find it hard getting through the day if i dont get to see her..  the thought of losing her now frightens me..

tonight she's staying at our pad.. told me she's gonna sleep for just a few hours, waiting for her shift at 3am, while im at the office.

im confused. =(

Listening to: EBTG
Watching: my phone, waiting for her beep
Feeling: worried

just found out that she's a cancer.  im not a firm believer of astrology but this made me raise an eyebrow.

== 

You are sensitive and caring by nature, although you present a tough exterior to the world. You soon learn ways to protect your feelings, which run very deep and tender. As a lover you seek security and fidelity, and, although you are not above a few flirtatious peccadillos of your own, you can be deeply wounded if the one you care for betrays your trust (which is never given lightly).

==

 why am i not surprised?

I dream.

I dream of a different world. A world where the old Gods meet the new. Where unseen hands caress empty faces. A blissful union...

Where all is understood... The earth will rise to embrace the air... and heaven's fires will kiss the sea... When fragile hearts release their burdens... Vanishing like so much smoke and mist.

Setting stones along future's pathways... and banishing the ghosts of the past.

That is my dream.

Though i dwell in paradise.

I know that i am blessed. Everywhere i look i see beauty.

I hear the ocean serenading the soft white sand. and feel the warm sun cradle its children. The trees beckon with gifts of fragrance, fruit and shelter. Small birds celebrete in their bough. taking to the sky only to dance and sing of their good fortune.

Even with wings they do not stray far from eden.

A beautiful prison.

If one were alone.

But again I am Blessed.

I spend my days in the bosom of laughter and love.

Now they seem strained, distant.

I have never known fear in this place.

But something is lurking.
It gnaws, snarls and and gnashing its teeth.  Fighting to be free.

I tremble as darkness closes around me.

Huddled in the darkness -  tattered pages and ancient words my only escape.

They speak of old things.

Righteousness. Revenge. Punishment. The comforts of faith.

Yet there is little comfort here.
Wallowing in filth and decay,  a self imposed exile.

The sand holds memories.

A home for the fallen. A bed for the condemned.

Spirits sleep here. And they do not forget.

The spectre is real, as are my sins.

I am to be punished. My chest heaves and i am taken in fear's grip.

And my faith abandons me.

Feeling: stressed